Feeling that fear
Feel the (Fear and face it anyway, that is how the saying goes, isn't it?
Well, I have a fear of water, now that may seem weird as I seem to promote sea dipping or cold water therapy as a tool that works for me, but that is just what it is, "dipping".
I walk out into the sea, up to shoulder height, and immerse myself with feet firmly on the ground, with the shore always in doggy paddling distance to the eye.
Even the thought of the 40ft gives me a little shiver and makes me nervous.
It started at age 8 when a freak wave took me out and down a beach in Italy 50m away from where my family was, after swallowing a lot of water, disorientated and with my brand new snorkel and goggles wrapped around my neck, that was enough for me.
Then when trying to learn how to swim in a pool, armbands on the instructor mistook me for (a diff Marcus) a more advanced one, handed me afloat, and told me to get in the pool and onto my back, which I lost control off and ended up sinking to the bottom.
In my defence, I had not met another Marcus before, so presumed he was talking to me.
And that was that I was destined to stay in the shallow end forever, as all my friends dived in and swam about every Friday night at the local pool, I stayed down the other end sticking my head underwater or trying to impress anybody with my huge goggles, for them to try.
Eventually, learning how to panic swim, and once I could see the wall or bar, I could flap like crazy to get there and catch my breath.
That was why I continued to be the one who took the videos or photos of everyone jumping in, wearing a life jacket when snorkeling, and just floating on top of the water, while everyone went deeper to see the fish or sea bed.
So this year on my list of things to do was get lessons, get out of my comfort zone, and learn how to swim, the fundamentals, and mostly how not to drown.
Last week was my first lesson, 6 am-7 am and if I said I enjoyed it would be lying, but I got it done, As soon as I left I started to dread it already for this week, which wasn't right, I needed to face it and feel it, it was out of my comfort zone (not to mention the 5 am alarm call) I was not the best there, I was in my head, old, I would never get the hang of it, all of these ran through my head, just like my first experience with therapy.
I just wanted to be done, wanted to be able and confident right away.
But after over 30 years of having that fear inside me, every time I was near water, did I expect it to be gone after one lesson?
I decided to go to a pool at the weekend and try to practice what I was shown, away from the pressures of a class environment, and my friend who went with me, said I was a lot better than I had made out to them.
I needed to put in the work.
It felt better (still not enjoyable) but it was slightly easier, and then today's class was a lot freer than last week, asked more questions, and took on board what was being said with less criticism, from that inner critic.
Was it because I did extra work? Was it because the first one was out of the way? Albeit the class and drills were harder than week one so again it was a test, and structure that I am hoping will all slip into place by the end of it.
Just like that 50 minutes of therapy, the work, the practice, and the awareness of beliefs or behaviors we wish to change, need to be worked on outside of the room, to develop and more smoother way of living than previously.
That is doing the work, that is developing new habits that in time will help us to feel happier, or in my case safer in the water.
Now I am not aiming to swim the channel or even become a deep sea diver but for now to swim one length or 2 consecutively will be the goal and we go from there.
What are your goals for 2024? Have you put any in place? and if so are you celebrating the small wins, such as starting them?
So if it is therapy, journalling, jogging, a new food plan, giving up smoking or alcohol, to even distancing yourself from toxic people or friend groups, remember the hardest part is starting it, the results or feelings may not happen right away, but if we do the work, well then they won't be long coming, and you will remember that first leap with even more pride and courage.
As always, thanks for reading
Marcus