Who even am I?
Firstly thank you for all the kind messages from people who have messaged and asked if I was still writing my newsletters, as they have been waiting to receive one for a week or two.
The point mentioning this is very apparent in this week's email as to why I was wrong to think or feel how I felt inside my head the past few weeks.
Let me explain, I received my grades (separately) for my final year of college, and even though the email said I had passed, each grade stated I had done it and that my four years in college had come to an end; I was still having a case of imposter syndrome.
Questions like, what if they made a mistake? What if they decide they are not good enough? What if, what if, what if.
And then the final, what now? I am no longer waiting for more results, except for the last confirmation email, so how am I supposed to be feeling?
Eh, ecstatic and proud of yourself, was the response from close friends and family I had confided in, but alas, it wouldn't hit me. I felt flat, questioning myself. My ability and creativity levels were low (hence no newsletters), whereas before, they flowed easily.
All the plans, the ideas, and the future I had mapped out in my head seemed foggy and clouded.
I was, in fact, an "imposter."
I had forgotten all the sacrifices I had made along the way, the loss of relationships, a job I was brave enough to take a chance on leaving and juggling work, social life, and college.
I forgot the hundreds of hours I have done with clients along the journey thus far, the countless hours of study, research, learning about the human psyche, and, more importantly, the harsh learning about myself.
You see, when you work so hard for something that it consumes your life for so long, you lose important people and face tough decisions to make along the way. When it ends, you question it all.
And then the day finally came (last week) the email that said congratulations, you have your degree and are now a qualified psychotherapist and counselor and no longer a student. It all suddenly hits you.
It all makes sense, it all becomes clear again, the mind thinks of everything mentioned above, and the doubt switches, and you realize it was all worthwhile.
It was the reason you made those choices, the reason you stuck it out and kept going, the gut feeling that this is what you want to do as a career, and of course, you think of all the client hours again, of those who you where there for, and think of all the ones you will be there for in the future.
And can finally ask myself one of my favorite questions? One, I asked all the men who had attended my men's circles when we had reached a state of self-awareness.
What now?
But this time, get excited about the answer(S) I had in my head.
Imposter Syndrome is a thing, but to believe you deserve it, trust in yourself, and acknowledge you are good enough for that job, that relationship, or that task that you are faced with because you have to put the work in to get there and will continue to do so, for it is your purpose, your dream and it fulfills you like no other.
That is when the imposter goes away, and the dream can become a reality.
What areas of your life are you struggling to believe you are worthy of having, and can these thoughts be changed by looking closely at all you have done to get to where you are?
As always, thanks for reading.
And just a reminder to you, as I needed it myself, be kind to others and, more importantly, yourself.
Marcus.