why does the No in our head always seem the loudest

and lasts the longest

Photo by Jon Tyson on Unsplash

When working with our boundaries we all seem to have difficulty saying the word No, it brings up so much guilt, a fear of offending and defensiveness. Yet when asked to do something that may not suit we are encouraged to just say No, and to feel ok with it.

But what is it like when we are seeking help of some sort, and we are doing the asking.

Asking for that raise in work, asking a person out on a date, needing someone to mind your dog as you are planning a trip away, even something as small as asking a friend we have not seen for so long out for coffee and a catch up.

The No response we "presume" or automatically comes into our head and the million and one reasons why they will say No, plays on repeat in our minds over and over, and gets louder and louder the longer it goes on.

Spiralling out of control and self loathing for no reason,

"I'm not in the job long, there is a work crisis out there, I am lucky to even have a job and be paid what I am getting"

"I'm not good enough, why would they want to go out with me? I'll be so embarrassed "when" they say no, I'll never be able to look at that person again, I'll have no friends, and I am going to be alone forever (spiral)

"I can't put them out, they are to busy, what if they think there is something wrong, I do not want to burden them, they have enough on their plate"

And I'd even go as far as we feel sorry for them and putting them in a position to have to say No, before we even ask the question.

This is how the brain works, if we allow it to, that No, or those reasons why will repeat and repeat, creating so much low self worth and how we see ourselves, all because you want to meet a friend for coffee?

When, once we decide to just ask that question, get the courage to spit it out, text or email it, its done, we will have the answer there and then and whatever the response may be, we will then know, and what is even better is it will be from the only person who can give that correct answer.

Whatever it may be will leave us with a choice in how we respond.

How we speak to ourselves and the language we use, will determine our responses to the Yes's and more importantly the No's we receive in life.

Sadly it is not just about coffee, or a date to the cinema or dinner, so many feel that fear in asking for help when they are not feeling so good, when they are down, and have areas in their life they need help with, or just a friendly ear.

That NO and the reasons why we cannot ask for help is pounding constantly inside, as if on a speaker, the language we use, convinces ourselves we are weak, we are worthless, we are a burden so we say nothing, we just suffer. We try to find the answers within ourselves, but how does that work when we see ourselves as mentioned above.

We tend to suffer in silence, when all we need is an ear or a calming supportive voice, a friendly hug, we battle alone and allow the answers to whatever it is to be negative, when a different voice than our own repeated in our head could help and bring some light into those dark or foggy days.

Feel the fear and face it anyways, and help turn down the negative volume inside the head.

A No just means you will have to look at other options, but think of all the excitement and possibilities if it is a YES.

As Always, thanks for reading

Be kind to YOURSELF and each other,

Marcus.